I have mumps

Lovely lady mumps. No, they are not lovely, nor are they funny but please do feel free to laugh at my expense; I would. I look like a fat hamster. It is sadly an attempt to fit in with the rest of the populace. They hurt. I would liken it to being bashed in both cheeks with a bat. I have a golf ball size lump under my left jaw and am praying the other side does not do the same. As a result I have decided to cower in bed all day and hide my freakishness from the people outside. I could  have glandular fever and may die. If this is to be the case it has been great knowing you all (making large assumptions that people read this). Pity about dying on foreign soil. If I do go, I rest in the knowledge that I will not go alone, mumps are highly contagious.